Wednesday, February 07, 2007 @3:02 AM
Warning: This is going to be a pretty angsty post (at least I think it's going to be). So anyone who doesn't like angsty posts, please avoid reading this. Actually, I'd rather people DID read it, so I can explain myself.
Well, what I wanted to say was: I'm sorry for yesterday's bout of depression. I know it's really silly getting upset over things like Physics prac results, but it really wasn't just that. I mean, that triggered off everything else, but still, I feel stupid for letting myself get depressed over something like that.
I mean, I know I'm a perfectionist. I was born that way, and I don't like the way I am either. But I just can't seem to change. I'd love to change, and be someone who can just go down for recess immediately after the lesson's over, instead of packing everything up first. But the thing is, I've had a few scares before, of losing my things when I just left them on the table. I used to leave stuff on the table before going for recess, in Sec 1, and then when I lost a few worksheets and my calculator for almost two weeks, I began the habit of packing everything up. I know, it's not a good habit. BUT I CAN'T CHANGE.
Well, that day, when I got the results down wrong, I just started thinking about how pathetic it is to be so hopeless at practicals all the time. Then I saw how Zhixin and Jnanee could get the results just fine, and I felt even worse. I remembered the times I had to turn to Zhixin, Leican or Arias for help during practicals. I remembered how I just couldn't dare to go near any fires, even the tiny bunsen burner flame.
Then, at that moment, Jnanee said that I was a perfectionist. No, no, it's not your fault Jnanee, it's mine. I shouldn't have been sensitive, and I know what you said was true. But it just so happened that I was thinking about how, even when I'm such a perfectionist, I still somehow botch things up, as compared to people who WEREN'T perfectionists and who could still do everything right. So, yes, that threw me here into a bout of depression.
I'm sorry to Zhixin and Jnanee that they had to endure my angst throughout the lesson. I always hide it even if I'm upset, and I only show it if I'm REALLY upset. Like the episode of the Lit PT. I don't want to spoil a good day just because I start showing my unhappiness. That's why I feel bad for letting my depression show yesterday.
It won't happen again. I'm only truly happy in school, so I don't want to waste it. That day, when I told Zhihua that I liked school, she told me that she could not even begin describing to me how much she detested school. Mugger label then slapped on me. Yes, I detest the work. But when you have great friends to cheer you up no matter how sad you are, it's really a great place. That's why I like school.
So it won't happen again. And sorry to those who had to read an angsty post. I promise the next one will be more cheerful.