Thursday, December 06, 2007 @3:44 AM
Jokes which made me laugh my head off:
Sherlock Holmes & the Case of the Stained Jacket
FEDERER: Mr. Sherlock Holmes, you solved the mystery of my stained Wimbledon jacket?
HOLMES: You sound very incredulous, Mr. Federer. You're not the only genius in London at the moment.
FEDERER: I didn't mean to sound doubtful, Dr. Watson. It's just that it's only been twenty-four hours since I brought this crime to the attention of Scotland Yard. I didn't think that the great Sherlock Holmes would be involved.
LESTRADE: Based on my frequent professional association with Mr. Holmes, I deduced that a chemical analysis of the stain would lead us to the identity of the stainer.
FEDERER: That's fantastic deduction, Inspector Lestrade.
LESTRADE: No, Mr. Federer, it's elementary deduction.
FEDERER: I don't want a public scandal. I just want the culprit discreetly warned.
HOLMES: In my profession Mr. Federer, we know when to "cherchez la femme." In your case, "cherchez le finalist." We found evidence of Hamburg clay, Melbourne rebound ace and Flushing Meadows hardcourt.
FEDERER: Nadal, Gonzalez and Roddick? This was a conspiracy of runner-ups?
HOLMES: And unless you sleepwalk to your internationally-stocked refrigerator in your jacket in the middle of the night, the traces of Russian borscht and Swedish meatball were not accidental.
FEDERER: Davydenko and Bjorkman, the semifinalists I beat were also involved?
HOLMES: And Scottish haggis.
FEDERER: Murray's not even playing here in Wimbledon! This is a nightmare!
HOLMES: Stop and smell the newly-cut grass, Mr. Federer. If you're not around, the draw opens up.
FEDERER: I understand but your suspects are my esteemed colleagues who have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of a gentleman's sport. I find it hard to suspect anyone of them.
HOLMES: The stain also contained a yellow dye.
FEDERER: Djokovic, the little twerp. I've never even played him in any semifinals let alone finals.
WATSON: Inspector Lestrade is stymied. And I'm baffled. It's a good thing that Mr. Holmes stepped in and said...
HOLMES: Elementary, my dear Watson. Mr. Federer, this case interested me immensely although it did not involve footprints , gunpowder residue , curious letters , tobacco ashes and cryptology like one of my favorite cases, "The Adventure of the Dancing Men" . It's not as complicated as it seems. When you have eliminated the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. It's really very simple, isn't it, Inspector Lestrade?
LESTRADE: Mr. Holmes asked us to test for one substance that definitively clued us to the stainer.
HOLMES: The stainer who has access to your jacket more than anyone else besides yourself, who has seen all your matches, who has a souvenir of the big courts you dominated.
FEDERER: Oh no! You don't mean.
HOLMES: The stainer who is trying to *fire* you up here in Wimbledon by cooking up a conspiracy without framing anyone in particular.
FEDERER: So you found...
HOLMES: CHEWING GUM. IT'S MIRKA. It's cherchez la femme after all.
HAHAHA LOLZ! :D
And one about Rafa and Richie:
GASQUET: Thanks for giving me tips on my fitness Rafa.
NADAL: What are doubles partners for?
GASQUET: I love working out on this treadmill.
NADAL: Isn't it great, no? But you'd love it more if you run on it instead of just walking.
GASQUET: I'm so glad I get a chance to play doubles with you Rafa.
NADAL: Me, too.
GASQUET: I wrote this speech for you for your fourth French Open title. I know what the French crowd is like.
NADAL: That's so sweet, no? But I don't want to jinx it. When I get to the finals, I will practice a speech - winning or losing - the night before with you.
GASQUET: Of course. But enough with this losing vibe. Let me read it. [reads with a lot of emotion]
NADAL: Wow! I heard Federer's name and Borg's name and your name. What does it mean?
GASQUET: I'm so happy to win my fourth French Open title and be close to Borg's record. I'm so sorry that Roger didn't make it to the finals this year but the hometown favorite, Richard was one tough opponent.
NADAL: WTH?!
GASQUET: *grins*
There was one really hilarious but rather mean joke about Fed, and being such a nice person, I couldn't bear to post it. Perhaps when I'm in a mean, hating-Roger mood, like when I'm reminded of how he beat Rafa at Wimbly. >:D